The Shadow is lifting

Long time no blog.

My career has come full circle. I am getting back into private practice. Office politics have taken their toll on me. I can handle the on-call duties, the chronically ill clients and even the paperwork. But, I can't compromise my standards on how one must be treated by colleagues.

I have seen the dark, business side of the mental health field and I don't like it. It takes well-intentioned folk and turns 'em against one another, for the sake of productivity kudos while forsaking humanistic credos.

So what say you fellow bloggers? Are you compromising your integrity, stepping on the necks of your colleagues, in order to get ahead?

There's a great book that tells a familiar tale. "Hope For the Flowers" reminds us that you best be good to the folks you see on your way up the corporate ladder, cause you're going to see those same folks on the way down.

RTT

One Door Closes

2005 went out with a sigh of relief.

My private practice tanked a couple of months ago. I could blame the Medicaid/Mainecare system and its defunct billing. I do blame the Governor for his defunct response. But, I also see the big picture. "Things happen for a reason," as "they" say. (Who are they anyway?)

What things?

In October, 2005, I met with some muckity mucks. It felt good. The room stormed with ideas. "Why not merge with our agency?" They wanted to expand their outpatient services and asked if I could assist with their in-home behavioral services. We came up with a game plan and shook hands. A position that combined outpatient services with in-home supervision of behavioral specialists. Over the next two months though, it became clear that management had no intention of seeing those plans through.

My office had two beautiful therapy offices and a grand, group therapy room that overlooked Wilson stream. It was clear that my work with kids was imbued in group therapy. We spoke about bringing on another therapist who might cofacilitate with me.

Upon agreement of employment, it was understood that continuity of care for my existing clientele was critical. Nonetheless, this agency placed their agenda for renovation ahead of client need. Imagine my confusion when workers showed up and told me I'd have to vacate that day. It felt nothing short of a hostile takeover of my practice that left me disoriented, my possessions in shambles and my clients tossed into oblivion. Ironically, now, more than six weeks later, there are still inadequate facilities to service clients.

To add injury to insult, I was informed the group room was carved up into an office and a waiting room and that I should not expect to have a designated office. I was to share one with other "floaters." Then, matters got even worse. The agency absorbed the clientele of another local agency that had gone under. Without discussion, after only 1 week of employment, I was assigned the task of opening 20 plus cases and taking on over 20 new employees to supervise. This not only negatively affected the quality of care for my outpatient clients, it all but ensured superficial interaction with the new home-health cases and a minimal level of supervision for the 20+ new employees who came on board.

What to do?

I gave notice. I am going to miss the terrific families with whom I have worked presently. Bringing closure will not be easy for anyone. But, I have to stay true to my ethical compass. I must retain my integrity, else how can I serve with integrity.

As one door closes, so another opens. Doors are opening and closing everyday. It's very distracting. It's sad sometimes. Today though, I feel good.

Got Blues

Re: September 17, 2005 – Blues Jam With Eddie Kirkland

Got Blues
By Eric Rutberg


“Can I sit in?” A young guy was standing by the entrance of Cherries Café in Farmington, Maine. I looked up from the corner of the room, and pointed out a spot next to where Eddie Kirkland had his equipment. The three other guitar players and I were positioning ourselves for what turned out to be a beautiful night of music.

The 1st two-hour set featured blues standards like “Every Day I’ve Got the Blues,” and “Thrill Is Gone.” Three local guitarists, Mike, Gus and Steve played on nearly every tune. I switched off between harmonica and guitar (playing mostly bass lines). I had the privilege of introducing Eddie to the crowd and singing with him on Every Day I have the Blues. That first set, Eddie also played originals; Forty Days-Forty Nights, Democrat Blues, Pickin’ up the Pieces, Walking to Miami and a rousing rendition of Honey bee, as well as many others.

On-lookers and players alike got a close-up and personal, insider’s view of how a master musician organizes a blues jam. Before ach song, Eddie would give us the key, demonstrate the base line and run through the verse to bring us up to speed. He communicated a lot with his eyes and gestured to each guitarist when he wanted to hear them solo. It was non-stop and after two hours, I needed a break. I stepped outside for some air and listened, while 82-year-old Eddie Kirkland played on.

I spent the next hour and a half listening and enjoying the tasty food and beverages at Cherries. I tried their Thai Pizza and washed it back with a Stewarts Black Cherry Wishniak, a specialty soda famous to Philadelphia. Then, around 11:30pm, the band paused between songs and Eddie Kirkland just started telling us stories. He told us about life “coming up” in Georgia, “so busy breaking the land; no time to go to school.” He sighed as he reported he attended only one day of school until he was 12 years old. “Then,” he said, “they put me in the first grade, sitting with all the little boys and girls. But I got promoted.” Eddie finished school after completing the 8th grade. “You got the right color and a bus that takes you to school…you’re lucky and you better know it,” he said to the youngest guitarist sitting in on the jam. “I’m blessed to live long enough to see it,” he said. Eddie told the crowd that he always wanted more schooling. “Plenty of poor people, white and black, but at least,” he smiled, “they can get on a bus and get a chance to go to school.”

Eddie Kirkland spoke for over 40 minutes about his life. He beamed while he spoke about making his first guitar out of a cigar box, at age seven. He laughed when he recollected stringing chicken wire across the porch posts and using a bottle to imitate the sounds of his uncles slide guitar. Like a grandfather talking to his grandchildren, Eddie looked at the musicians sitting in with him. Intently he told us; “I try to be a good person every day. I don’t drink, not even the wine at church. And I send all my kids to school.”

Eddie has been around the world and all across the nation, time and again. He has been a bandleader in most recent years but he has also backed up some great bands, like Otis Redding and John Lee Hooker. He called to mind traveling with John Lee Hooker, leaving out the back door of some saloon, on a rainy night. “And we got in fights too. I had to fight for John Lee ‘cause…. he was just a skinny fella.”

The stories Eddie Kirkland told that Saturday night were his way of passing the blues on to us. “Some people play the blues but the blues is my life. We’ll finish up tonight and I’ll lie down for a while but then I’ll get up and I’ll play my guitar. It might be 3-o-clock in the morning. And then I’ll get up again and I’ll have my breakfast and then I’m either driving to where I’m going to play or I’m thinking about what I’m going to play or I’m just playing…that’s it.” Eddie then reminded the musicians that fancy scales and complicated chords were fine but that the blues come from the heart.

Throughout the night, in song and through oral history, Eddie Kirkland evoked images of the old south and the bad streets of the city, provoking listeners into thinking about how much has changed and how much hasn’t. Through his personal history, expressed with such metaphorical and colloquial eloquence, I was schooled in the art and history of the blues.

Got Blues? Damn right I do. Thanks to the generosity of a true gentleman, Eddie Kirkland.

Men and Their Shadows

Men and Their Shadows

Trust me, apologize.
Eric Rutberg

A lot of people have a hard time saying; "I'm sorry."

Quite often, I find myself apologizing
for something I've done. A bad
joke, driving too fast and scaring my wife,
forgetting an appointment; all mistakes I have made
(sometimes more than once). All mistakes for which I have
apologized.

Imagine, a simple apology can get you off the hook.

Sometimes it isn't that easy. There are times when an apology just doesn't cut it.
Often an apology is denied, not because of
the severe nature of the conflict but because of the lack of
sincerity one feels from the person apologizing. If the act in question is one that happens
again and again, despite repeated
promises to change, if it seems coerced or was made
with a smirk, if it seems a condescending way of saying
"fine, let's just drop this, I'm bored," that apology is about as valuable as a wooden nickel.

What to do if the apology is not accepted?

Apologizing is only half the battle. The apology has to be acceptable.
It isn’t enough to say; "I tried, it's their
problem if they can't accept my apology." If the relationship is important, the person seeking forgiveness may need to take a closer look at how they are presenting themselves and try again and again and maybe again. They will need to lower their defenses and be careful not to minimize feelings.

Start a Trust Bank?

Establishing a TRUST BANK is an activity that works really well for
families who are struggling with trust issues. Get a large jar and a bag of corn kernels
(enough to fill the jar). On the front of the jar
write; HONESTY, RESPONSIBILITY and ACCOUNTABILITY. Give
the jar to the person with whom you are having the
problem. Ask them to describe how much they
trust you overall, using percentages. If the answer is, for example,
25%, fill the jar with the corn kernels
respectively (1/4 full). Then instruct them that each evening they are to scoop out a heaping
tablespoon of corn representing each time, that day, you failed to meet the
expectations written on the side of the jar and add a heaping
tablespoon representing ways you met those expectations.

Parents
may also correlate levels of privilege with levels of
trust. For example, a parent could encourage a teen by saying "once you build back trust to 75%, you can have a friend sleep over.

This activity clearly illustrates current trust levels as well as the ebb and flow of trust based on specific actions. The Trust Bank is a tool to help set goals and measure progress. When the trust bank reaches the desired level it will certainly be a time to cherish and appreciate the efforts made to rescue the relationship that was once in peril.

Men and Their Shadows

The Now.
By Eric Rutberg



We were sitting together, on the sofa, just looking into each other's eyes. She was smiling. I was beaming. We were having a deep conversation without
any words.

Everyone says she looks like me but how? Do we have the same color eyes? The Iris of hers are like gleaming, crystal clear, blue sapphires. My blues don't glimmer like that. Too much dust from traveling down the road of life, I suppose.

I recognize those little ears, with perfect pitch, ushering the sounds of my heartbeat to that spiritual place that stores unconscious memories. Those wide feet and formidable insteps, perfect for foot thumping to musical rhythms and wading through street puddles of course.

What is in store for this little one? Am I going to be a good enough dad? I foresee all the tries that will fail, anticipate my quaking anxieties, dread all my fears and damn my insecurities. But what about all the chances for success? What of the people and things we will love and the places we may go. Do I lift her up and over those puddles of potential woe? I want to protect her but how much protecting is too much? Until, I suppose, she pushes me away and says "leave me alone, I'm fine on my own?"

Looking at her, I see myself clearly. I see myself, not in her features but in our future. I said out loud, though no one was present, "what makes me think I can raise up a kid? Just then, my little one took a deep breath and I took a moment to look out my window, to center myself.

The leaves on our neighbor's maple tree are changing so quickly, I can almost see it happening before my eyes, so vibrant and lush. Like the seasons, families
change too. I sure know Dad's change. I dress for work in the morning, with my determined brow and formidable opinions. At home I strap on my guitar
and at Halloween I turn into a super hero. I hope that never changes but as sure as the leaves will turn and fall, so will I from her fantastic esteem.

At this very moment, right before my eyes, I am watching her change. The future is made up of a string of "now’s.” It's true. I've just confirmed, as she yawns and
puts her head down on my prosperous belly. Being in the moment is, and I'm sure will remain to be, the best place in which I could ever be.

Men and Their Shadows

Men and Their Shadows

Optimism = Change
By Eric Rutberg

When facing obstacles and failure, the inner voice of an optimist says; “Now I see what went wrong. I can do it better next time.” When facing those same obstacles and failures, the inner voice of a pessimist says; “This would never have happened to someone else. The problem here is me and I will never change.” The optimist thinks they will overcome the environmental barriers that stand in the way. The pessimist believes that it is their deficiencies in character, their genetic inheritance and the plight in to which they have been born that is at the root of their failure.

I am an optimist. That isn’t to say I’m blind to my personal imperfections. I have failed to get out of my own way on more than one occasion. And, when I do, I get angry with myself and even down myself at times. Yet, I am an optimist. I have been conflicted about war, I have been saddened by floods and rocked by the Asian earthquakes. I believe those tragedies impact us all on a cosmic, energetic, unconscious level.

Despite world events, I am all too aware of the problems right here in our state of Maine. Fuel prices, the cost of wood, credit card debt, healthcare…healthcare. Let’s just stop right there. This is a topic, near and dear to my heart and I am fuming over Governor Baldacci’s out-of-touch-hands-off, negligent approach to preventing the fiscal/techno debacle that directly and negatively impacts my efforts to service clients with MaineCare. For the past nine or ten months, I have been brewing inside; trying to make sense of the mockery of a travesty of a sham we call human services in this State. But it’s time to speak out, both for providers and for those clients who have been and are going to be affected by this administrations cross-eyed approach to human services in Maine.

It shouldn’t be news to anyone that this administration switched out the computer system that managed the accounts receivables and payables, without putting into place a sufficient back-up system. The new program crashed causing “shock and awe” among providers. This administration completely failed to disperse the monies providers, like me, earned for more than eight weeks. Imagine not getting paid for eight weeks. How many of us could come through that unscathed? The Baldacci administration is scoff-worthy as it whines about how there was nothing that could have been done to avoid this. We inherited the problem, they will bemoan. In other words, “it’s the nature of the beast.” No accountability, no reasonable actions to remedy the fallout, finger pointing and side stepping is all that I have witnessed from this administration.

If you’re a pessimist, you will continue to believe that it the nature of the beast is that all politicians are the same and there’s no chance for change. Or, you can be an optimist. Human services in Maine can thrive but only if we believe change can happen and only if we work towards making that change happen. This government screwed me and I bet a lot of you are feeling screwed too. Let’s hold it accountable; let’s make it change.

Over time, I hope to interview politicians and leaders in our community regarding the future of human services in Maine, so that readers can enjoy varied perspectives and make educated decisions come election time. If you’d like to contribute to this column, feel free to contact me.

Men and Their Shadows

Intentionality
By Eric Rutberg

I am the sum total of all I have experienced. Or am I? It is really difficult to change our automatic responses to things that push our buttons, especially if we have experienced a strong emotion attached to that experience. Balancing these almost spontaneous reactions with the cool strategies of logic is what makes up what is known as our emotional intelligence.

When experiences even vaguely resemble a past trauma, a part of the brain known as the amygdala acts in a way that some refer to as an emotional hijacking. Some will freeze from fright, while others will become aggressive. This is commonly referred to as the “fight or flight mechanism.” Rather than being channeled mostly to the prefrontal cortex, sensory input streams directly to the amygdala, overriding facts, overwhelming logical thought and causing one to react without conscious thought. An emotional hijacking can come in many forms. It is often the culprit when one finds himself or herself apologizing for behaving badly.

For those who have experienced a trauma, learning to recognize the specific triggers that cause this purely emotional response and then train the brain to sort the emotional response through the reasoning process, is key to reducing and eliminating anxiety. MRI’s and PET scans show, that when we view a picture of an object, certain parts of the brain are activated. They also show that if one closes her eyes and simply imagines that object, the same parts of the brain are activated. In counseling, clients practice and build this ability to visualize reality by using therapeutic role-play. It stands to reason that if one believes they will experience fear in the future, their chance of experiencing anything other than fear is very limited. The same holds true for visualizing happiness. By asking questions such as; ”imagine if…” we practice changing our responses to things that trigger anxiety, so that when the “real thing” occurs one can be prepared.

Do you want to live today, based on your past? There is another option. Rather than allowing a past trauma to define who you will be in the future, you can practice intentionality. Intentionality promotes the perspective that our future does not have to be a predictable response conditioned by our past experiences.

No one must be a walking reaction to the past. We all have the ability to view the world in a telescopic fashion, anticipating problems and solving them before they happen. Each of us can develop a conscious capacity to choose from a plethora of options for how our future will unfold. One must learn to sort emotions through their reasoning mind, then endeavor to learning from the past, so it may influence the present and the future but not unconsciously dictate it. We can prevent the amygdala from hijacking us emotionally, using its arsenal of vaguely linked memories that prevents us from responding to the here and now with the spontaneous creativity that makes each day so worth living.

Sit down with your fear.

Awesome

RECAP: E and S and J and B gather for a chat. S says something to B that J thought was "off limits." Hand motions and eyes blinking. B picks up on the tension and says "What?" Crowd disperses. E is in the dark cause he was in the can.

B splits group, pissed, alienated. Talks to E and describes frustration, anger. Talks about PAIN AND MEMORIES OF BEING ALIENATED ALL HIS LIFE. HE WANTS TO LASH OUT IN A FURY OF ANGER. HE WANTS TO WOLLOP SOMEONE.

E is worried for B. E figures it's his fault that B and J are arguing cause he wasn't there to mediate in the first place. E feels he has to FIX things.

So, E encourages B to email J and express his feelings. E checked with J to see if he was open to a give and take. J says he's open, (but he later admits he was feeling defensive). This was fueled by B's email that referred to the old days of womping people. B called J out by calling J childish. He reamed him good, and yet wound up his email with a call for 'letting it go;" a clean slate. "I've NEVER done this before," he announces.

Now J's response. Explitives and phrases like Alpha male. "Don't do me any favors," read between the lines.

E see's things escalting and contacts each J and B. He's still looking to "fix" things. "Let's take some time with this guys. Let's just cool down and try emailing again in a week or so."

2 weeks goes by and E is still feeling the tension of unfinished business. J is feeling his words creep in on him and echo in his head. Brian is wondering if E will choose him or the other, if he will wind up on the outside looking in...again.

Then an email, from J. "I've been thinking about what you actually said, at the end of your email, after you spoke your feelings. Your offer of starting anew. I was being childish. I am insecure and say dumb stuff sometimes. I'm sorry B."

"I totally accept" - B

I am so inspired by my fellow Shadows. It took a few weeks, but you both sat down with your fear, with your questions about who you are as communicators, as adults, and you kept at it.

And so, resolution.

I am awestruck by this exchange. You are two of the greatest men I know.

Detox Blues

For oh so long, I was flying high.
10 years, I hardly can remember them.
For oh so long I was wasted.
Could it be, I was crying out for help?

Detoxification
Realization
Now I see, so much more in store for me.

All I know, all I see and do.
I feel no shame.
Now I see, to be the same.
I'd have to....do it all again.

Didn't care if I lived or died.
Felt myself, totally invisible.
I don't know what was wrong with me.
Late at night, I lied crying in my bed.

Detoxification
Realization
Now I see, so much more in store for me.

All I know, all I see and do.
I feel no shame.
Now I see, to be the same.
I'd have to....do it all again.

Ambition

Ambition, what is ambition ?
A push from behind, toe the line,
Prepare to compete.

And all they can say about failure, is try again till you succeed.
So here I stare into my tea. Reading the leaves.

Can't tell the others about lonliness, cause misery dreads company.

Shall I say "so long?"
No ! That would be wrong.

Dreams, lost, gone.
Know what I knew all along.

Welcome

This is my 1st entry ever on a blog. I'm sending this to all the guys I know, who I thought might enjoy this sort of interaction. I encourage you all to forward this to guys you know too.

Of course, women can chime in, but they need to try and be sensitive to what what we're working towards. That is, men working on healing themselves, eachother and the planet. (big job huh?)

So here goes.

The last couple of actual groups I facilitated got a bit hairy. Shoulders thrown back, defensive postures. If we are to address our common issues, compulsions, pride, self-image....feelings, we need to set some ground rules. ONe might say "open communication." But we need to set up parameters as well.

So here's where I suggest we start. NO Swearing, cursing, threatening or name calling. Let's choose our words carefully. Think about dual meanings and be sensitive to the reader. By abstaining from foul language, we are forced express feelings and thoughts more concisely.

For instance: "FUCK YOU !" may mean, "I'm insulted." It could also mean "this discussion is over." For the sake of Spirited and Meaningful dialogue, let's say what we mean and avoid hiding behind these kinds of phrases. So, swearing at me will reult in a termnation of dialogue with me.

OK ! are you up for it?

Here's my thought for this first relay of male insight: Taken from Jed Diamonds book, A Warriors Journey Home: Every year the world spends one trillion dollars on armaments, and a half trillion dollars on illegal drugs. Now add the money we spend on alcohol, nicotine, gambling, pornography.

Do these expendatures reflect what Men value ?