Men and Their Shadows
The Now.
By Eric Rutberg
We were sitting together, on the sofa, just looking into each other's eyes. She was smiling. I was beaming. We were having a deep conversation without
any words.
Everyone says she looks like me but how? Do we have the same color eyes? The Iris of hers are like gleaming, crystal clear, blue sapphires. My blues don't glimmer like that. Too much dust from traveling down the road of life, I suppose.
I recognize those little ears, with perfect pitch, ushering the sounds of my heartbeat to that spiritual place that stores unconscious memories. Those wide feet and formidable insteps, perfect for foot thumping to musical rhythms and wading through street puddles of course.
What is in store for this little one? Am I going to be a good enough dad? I foresee all the tries that will fail, anticipate my quaking anxieties, dread all my fears and damn my insecurities. But what about all the chances for success? What of the people and things we will love and the places we may go. Do I lift her up and over those puddles of potential woe? I want to protect her but how much protecting is too much? Until, I suppose, she pushes me away and says "leave me alone, I'm fine on my own?"
Looking at her, I see myself clearly. I see myself, not in her features but in our future. I said out loud, though no one was present, "what makes me think I can raise up a kid? Just then, my little one took a deep breath and I took a moment to look out my window, to center myself.
The leaves on our neighbor's maple tree are changing so quickly, I can almost see it happening before my eyes, so vibrant and lush. Like the seasons, families
change too. I sure know Dad's change. I dress for work in the morning, with my determined brow and formidable opinions. At home I strap on my guitar
and at Halloween I turn into a super hero. I hope that never changes but as sure as the leaves will turn and fall, so will I from her fantastic esteem.
At this very moment, right before my eyes, I am watching her change. The future is made up of a string of "now’s.” It's true. I've just confirmed, as she yawns and
puts her head down on my prosperous belly. Being in the moment is, and I'm sure will remain to be, the best place in which I could ever be.
posted by Dr. Eric @ 5:34 PM
1 comments
1 Comments:
Trust me, apologize.
Eric Rutberg
A lot of people have a hard time saying; "I'm sorry."
Quite often, I find myself apologizing
for something I've done. A bad
joke, driving too fast and scaring my wife,
forgetting an appointment; all mistakes I have made
(sometimes more than once). All mistakes for which I have
apologized.
Imagine, a simple apology can get you off the hook.
Sometimes it isn't that easy. There are times when an apology just doesn't cut it.
Often an apology is denied, not because of
the severe nature of the conflict but because of the lack of
sincerity one feels from the person apologizing. If the act in question is one that happens
again and again, despite repeated
promises to change, if it seems coerced or was made
with a smirk, if it seems a condescending way of saying
"fine, let's just drop this, I'm bored," that apology is about as valuable as a wooden nickel.
What to do if the apology is not accepted?
Apologizing is only half the battle. The apology has to be acceptable.
It isn’t enough to say; "I tried, it's their
problem if they can't accept my apology." If the relationship is important, the person seeking forgiveness may need to take a closer look at how they are presenting themselves and try again and again and maybe again. They will need to lower their defenses and be careful not to minimize feelings.
Start a Trust Bank?
Establishing a TRUST BANK is an activity that works really well for
families who are struggling with trust issues. Get a large jar and a bag of corn kernels
(enough to fill the jar). On the front of the jar
write; HONESTY, RESPONSIBILITY and ACCOUNTABILITY. Give
the jar to the person with whom you are having the
problem. Ask them to describe how much they
trust you overall, using percentages. If the answer is, for example,
25%, fill the jar with the corn kernels
respectively (1/4 full). Then instruct them that each evening they are to scoop out a heaping
tablespoon of corn representing each time, that day, you failed to meet the
expectations written on the side of the jar and add a heaping
tablespoon representing ways you met those expectations.
Parents
may also correlate levels of privilege with levels of
trust. For example, a parent could encourage a teen by saying "once you build back trust to 75%, you can have a friend sleep over.
This activity clearly illustrates current trust levels as well as the ebb and flow of trust based on specific actions. The Trust Bank is a tool to help set goals and measure progress. When the trust bank reaches the desired level it will certainly be a time to cherish and appreciate the efforts made to rescue the relationship that was once in peril.
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