Men and Their Shadows

Men and Their Shadows

Trust me, apologize.
Eric Rutberg

A lot of people have a hard time saying; "I'm sorry."

Quite often, I find myself apologizing
for something I've done. A bad
joke, driving too fast and scaring my wife,
forgetting an appointment; all mistakes I have made
(sometimes more than once). All mistakes for which I have
apologized.

Imagine, a simple apology can get you off the hook.

Sometimes it isn't that easy. There are times when an apology just doesn't cut it.
Often an apology is denied, not because of
the severe nature of the conflict but because of the lack of
sincerity one feels from the person apologizing. If the act in question is one that happens
again and again, despite repeated
promises to change, if it seems coerced or was made
with a smirk, if it seems a condescending way of saying
"fine, let's just drop this, I'm bored," that apology is about as valuable as a wooden nickel.

What to do if the apology is not accepted?

Apologizing is only half the battle. The apology has to be acceptable.
It isn’t enough to say; "I tried, it's their
problem if they can't accept my apology." If the relationship is important, the person seeking forgiveness may need to take a closer look at how they are presenting themselves and try again and again and maybe again. They will need to lower their defenses and be careful not to minimize feelings.

Start a Trust Bank?

Establishing a TRUST BANK is an activity that works really well for
families who are struggling with trust issues. Get a large jar and a bag of corn kernels
(enough to fill the jar). On the front of the jar
write; HONESTY, RESPONSIBILITY and ACCOUNTABILITY. Give
the jar to the person with whom you are having the
problem. Ask them to describe how much they
trust you overall, using percentages. If the answer is, for example,
25%, fill the jar with the corn kernels
respectively (1/4 full). Then instruct them that each evening they are to scoop out a heaping
tablespoon of corn representing each time, that day, you failed to meet the
expectations written on the side of the jar and add a heaping
tablespoon representing ways you met those expectations.

Parents
may also correlate levels of privilege with levels of
trust. For example, a parent could encourage a teen by saying "once you build back trust to 75%, you can have a friend sleep over.

This activity clearly illustrates current trust levels as well as the ebb and flow of trust based on specific actions. The Trust Bank is a tool to help set goals and measure progress. When the trust bank reaches the desired level it will certainly be a time to cherish and appreciate the efforts made to rescue the relationship that was once in peril.